He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
