Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
