I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
