is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
