ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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