so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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