I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
