bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
