Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
