Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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