you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
