my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
