i think my tv is drunk
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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