Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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