We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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