I puked a lego.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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