This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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