I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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