apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
