ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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