He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
