Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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