The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
