no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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