im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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