No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
