i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
