Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
