So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
