One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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