my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
