he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
