Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
