My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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