I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
