Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
