I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
