I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
