I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
