Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
