I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
