I can text with my tongue
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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