I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
