At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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