Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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