I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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