I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
