So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
