I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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