The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
