Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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