she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
That accounts for only three of the penises
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
