True but thats because hes a fetus.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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